Episode III: Revenge of the Nerds |
For anyone who called Grauman's payphone today between 12-1 PM PT: Yes, that was indeed me who answered and cracked on you until you freaked out and hung up. (Suckers.)
Part One | Photo Gallery
10:00 AM My House
Alarm clock sounds. I turn it off, go back to sleep.
10:30 AM My House
I remember that I am going to visit the nerds, jump out of bed. This is going to be awesome.
11:00 AM My House
Katt arrives and together we drive to the Pizza Hut on Cherokee and Sunset. I said I would deliver pizza to the nerds. I always keep my word.
11:15 AM Pizza Hut
Jessica: May I speak to the manager?
(a few moments pass)
Jessica: Uh, are you the manager?
Jessica: Were you going to tell me that? Anyway, we’re going to need some special pizzas--
Manager: Well what do you need?
Jessica: I was getting to that. Can you spell out words in pepperoni?
Manager: Sure, what would you like?
Jessica: (to Katt) Nerds Rule? The Force? Love, Yoda? What?
Katt: How about Star Wars?
Jessica: OK. We’d like for it to say Star Wars.
Manager: We can’t do that.
Jessica: What! Why not?
Manager: Because I don’t have time do it and the kitchen staff… They can’t do that.
Jessica: Do you employ illegal aliens?
Manager: (hesitates) No.
Jessica: Can they do it in Spanish?
Jessica: Can we do it?
Jessica: Fine, but the nerds are going to be pissed.
11:45 AM Hollywood & Highland
Totally boring, regular pizzas in hand, Katt and I climb the Kodak Theater escalators and finally surface street level. We survey the perimeter, but can’t seem to find the huge nerd line that supposedly exists directly outside of the Chinese Theater. Finally, I ask the tourist-trap dressed like a storm trooper (he has six other Star Wars costumes, mind you) where I might locate the line. After three failed attempts at hassling us for money in exchange for a photo (Jessica: We aren’t tourists, you foolio.) he points...
And there it is: Nerd heaven.
Katt gives me a, “you weren’t kidding” look and we press onward...
She stops to read a sign. “Mos Eisley Spaceport: You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” She doesn’t know what that means, but I do.
Ahead, a dozen people sit under a tented area full of laptops, TVs, DVD players, video cameras and other electronic equipment. None of them are talking. Most of them are typing. The famous payphone is idle. Not ringing off the hook as I expected. Furthermore, none of the nerds are dressed in movie gear. The energy is low. What the hell is going on?
Jessica: Greetings. I am seeking the nerd called Elliot.
Elliot rises to greet me. He is visibly surprised that I have actually come down. Obviously he doesn’t know about my nerd outreach program. Or that I always keep my word. (And fulfill my prophecies.)
Jessica: Hey, I’m Jessica and this is my friend Katt. We brought you guys some pizza. I tried to Star-Wars-it-up, but the Pizza Hut manager was being retarded…
(Nerds eye us suspiciously, halfheartedly ad lib thanks, pass the pizzas around.)
Jessica: …Where is everyone? I was expecting loads of people all dressed up in movie gear…
Elliot: It’s a weekday during the day. Everyone had to go to work.
Jessica: Right. Myth number one busted: You guys have jobs. So, I have a friendly question for you: Do you guys hate blogging.la?
Female Nerd: That depends on who you talk to.
Jessica: Do you hate them because of something Wil Wheaton wrote?
Female Nerd: Yes! I used to stick up for him to all these guys, then he went and, and…
Jessica: I read the column. It was only a bit of loving mockery. He’s a nerd. He’s allowed.
Female Nerd: I even asked him to come down here, to meet me face to face and he wouldn’t do it.
Jessica: Were you going to challenge him to a duel or something?
Female Nerd: It’s not just that. It’s the shirts they made and everything… I mean, Argh!
Jessica: I see. Is that the phone? Why isn’t it ringing?
Female Nerd: I took it off the hook. We’re tired of answering it.
Jessica: Dude: Can I answer it?
(Nerds shrug: “Go for it.”)
Jessica: And, Elliot, where’s your Jedi gear?
Elliot: It’s in the car. I can go get it. Want me to go get it?
Jessica: Hell yeah. Let’s get this party started.
I put the phone back on the hook. It immediately rings. Oh man, this is going to be SO sweet…
Smart-Ass Guy: I’m from Canada and I live in an igloo.
Smart-Ass Guy: (pause) It’s actually not that tight.
Jessica: Why? Igloos are cool. Literally.
Smart-Ass Guy: Wait hold on I think I hear a seal, oh no that’s just my grandpa.
Jessica: Yeah that’s really funny. Listen, Punky Brewster, can your grandpa do tricks like a seal or what?
Smart-Ass Guy: No he’s in a wheel chair.
Jessica: Your grandpa sucks.
-- Click. --
Jessica: Sweet, He hung up on me.
Smart-Ass Guy: No I didn’t! You just got tricked. Where I’m from we trick people!
Jessica: Where are you calling from again?
Smart-Ass Guy: Canada.
Jessica: I hate Canada.
Smart-Ass Guy: Wha--well, uh…
-- Click. --
Jessica: Yes! He really hung up. (off Katt’s look) What? Canada sucks. If you don’t believe me then watch South Park.
Jessica: Thanks for calling 1-900-Star-Wars, this is Princess Leia. Is your light saber in need of service?
-- Click. --
Jessica: Sta’ wa’s line. What it is, yo?
Hyper Guy: Isthisthestarwarsline?
Jessica: Uh, yeah. I just said that.
Hyper Guy: Are there any guys there? Let me talk to a guy.
Hyper Guy: Let me talk to a guy.
Hyper Guy: Let me talk to a guy.
Hyper Guy: C’mon.
Jessica: Fine. Hey guys, dude on the phone here with a male Jedi fetish. Any takers?
(Nerds shake their heads: “Pass.”)
Jessica: Yeah, they’re not down.
Hyper Guy: I don’t have a male Jedi fetish.
Jessica: It’s OK, man. There's nothing wrong with being homosexual.
-- Click. --
Reporter: This is Paul from (note: some radio station no one cares about) and I want to talk to you about what’s going on down there. Who am I speaking to?
Jessica: Jessica Mae Stover.
Reporter: How long have you been in line?
Jessica: Uh, five minutes. I’m actually not in line. I brought the nerds some pizza and now I'm answering their phone because they’re tired of talking to people. And it amuses me.
Reporter: Who is this?
Jessica: Dude, it’s Jessica Mae Stover. I already said that. Pay attention. Do you know how many people are trying to call me right now? I’m really awesome and popular.
Reporter: So, Jessica, what’s going on down there? How many people are there?
Jessica: Well, there’s only about a dozen people here now because all of the other nerds went to work.
Reporter: So they have people holding their place in line?
Jessica: What kind of unresourceful interviewer are you? If you go online you can easily learn that the nerds log hours for final positioning in line. They have a sign in and sign out sheet. (aside to nerds) No wonder you hate answering the phone.
Reporter: Who has been there the longest?
Jessica: One girl has been here since the beginning. You can tell who she is because she visibly requires a shower. She is very dedicated.
Reporter: Can I talk to her?
Jessica: Oh that’s great. That really hurts, Paul. What, just because I’m not a super nerd you don’t want to talk to me? I thought we were friends. I thought we were getting along. But now I see how it is. Besides, she doesn’t want to talk to you. None of them do.
Reporter: Can you ask her again?
Jessica: Fine. (pause)
#1 ranked nerd takes the phone.
In the meantime, Elliot has returned in his Jedi gear.
Jessica: Elliot, what kind of light saber is that?
Elliot: My friend and I made them. They’re battle ready.
Katt: Hey, anyone want a quarter?
(Katt tries to pick up the quarter, but it’s stuck to the ground. Glued.)
Another Nerd: She fell for it! Oh man.
(They high five and add another tally on their “people who fell for the quarter trick” sheet.)
#1 Nerd hangs up. Phone rings.
Jessica: (awesome Yoda impression) But Luke, not ready are you--
-- Click. --
Jessica: Star Wars line. We have light sabers that are battle ready. And caller ID.
Trucker: Hey, is this the Star Wars thing?
Jessica: Howdy, partner. Where are you calling from?
Trucker: An office.
Jessica: What kind of office?
Trucker: A truckin' office.
Jessica: Do you drive the trucks or do you stick to office work?
Trucker: I just send them where they need to go.
Jessica: Have you always wanted to be a trucker, but the other truckers won’t let you take the trucker test?
Trucker: Actually, yeah, I kinda always wanted to drive.
Jessica: Dude, you are totally like Anakin Skywalker! I bet you identify with him, don’t you? I mean, here he wants to take the Jedi trials and be a master and so on, but the council’s always holding him back. Oh man, Star Wars is SO a metaphor for your life. I see why you called. Anakin’s your favorite character, isn’t he? Isn’t he?!
Trucker: Yeah, I guess he is. (pause) Well, g’bye now.
-- Click. --
Jessica: Chewy impression.
-- Click. --
Jessica: Star Wars line: If you clean the droids we’ll let you go to Toshi station to pick up some power converters.
Some Man-Dude: I didn’t think I’d get through!
Jessica: Yeah, I’m popular like that. Do you have a question or something?
Some Man-Dude: Are there any, like, Trekkie fans walking by yelling, “No way! Star Trek is better!”?
Jessica: Hey, Elliot, have any Trekkie fans harassed you guys?
Elliot: I’m a Trekkie.
Jessica: Dude, Star Trek rocks. I grew up watching TNG reruns with my Dad. Captain Picard is one of the best characters in the universe.
Elliot: No way. He sucks.
Elliot: A French guy with a British accent?
Jessica: Pshaw. As if that negates all of the excellent writing and acting that went into that character.
Some Man-Dude: Uh… I’m still here?
Jessica: Oh, right. No. No one in a Spock outfit has come by and yelled at the nerds. Kbye.
-- Click. --
1:00 PM Grauman’s
Jessica: OK, nerds. Katt has to go to work so we are outtie.
Nerds: (adlib goodbyes) Bye Jessica… You guys should come back at night. We watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force!… Bye… Thanks for the pizza… Remember us… Don’t make fun of us…
Strangely, I have more in common with the nerds than most of the people I meet at all of those fancy Hollywood “events” I’m always attending.
Yes, they are camped out at the wrong theater. Yes, they are hopeful that their line will sway the powers that be to have a midnight screening of Sith at Grauman’s. Yes, that is most likely never going to happen.
Still, I know what it's like to have dreams. I have goals. I’m hopeful.
You have to try.
And, if you don’t believe, then you will most certainly fail.
These are the same fans that will hopefully identify with the film I have written. The same fans that will drive the love of the story. The same fans that may one day have the power to make my dreams happen. To decide whether or not what I’ve made succeeds or fails. I write for them as much as myself.
No, my friends, it is I who ask you to remember me.
Pizzas Consumed: 2
Marriage Proposals from Nerds: 1
Phone Calls Answered: 14
Science Fiction Debates: 3
Nerds Who Hate Wil Wheaton/Sean & Co. at blogging.la: 1
Attempts to Snag Quarter Glued to Ground: 1
I am officially a part of bloggin.la’s coverage.
What an honor. (Although, now the nerds may hate me by association.)
Received another friendly e-mail:
J-- Thanks for coming down, and thanks so much for the pizza! You should stop by again some time. The last two weeks there are going to be tons of peeps there and it will be a blast. Hope to see you again.
The Most Important Update Ever:
Holy shit. I have just reached mind-blowing levels of nerd awesomeness:
Hey Jessica Stover,
I just updated blogging.la to reflect your update.
Thought you should know.
And stay away from that Elliot. He's no good for you.
Am suddenly like nerd royalty. Or something.
The nerds tossed me some props on their official site.
This is almost as cool as that time I told George Lucas that I didn't like Episode I.
Another Update 2:
My name now appears on the main page of Wil Wheaton Dot Net. (And no, I didn’t have The Gunn hack him and put it up for me, thankyouverymuch.)
“Jessica's entry (linked in my b.la post) is one of the funniest things I've read on the Internets in a long, long time.”
Sweet Yoda mother of The Force! I'm more awesome than even I knew! And, thanks to Wil and blogging.la, my wicked rad readership now includes some of the most savvy ‘Net gangstas in the world.
Welcome to JSDC, fools.
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Photo Gallery | Haiku | Epilogue
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