Update: Episode III: Revenge of the Nerds 

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I was getting to know the Alpha Nerd by reading her blog to understand just how much she hates Wil Wheaton and loves the Bible when I came upon this:

Friday, April 08 -- Courtesy of a TOTALLY AWESOME Detroit radio station we are getting PIZZA delivered to the line.

Oh what the fuck.

They already had pizza? Damn those nerds! I”ve been duped!

I also found out that The Empire Strikes Back played at the Egyptian this weekend. It wasn”t publicized, so of course I didn”t know about the screening. But guess who went? Yep, all of the nerds. And did they e-mail me, their new friend, to tell me about it? Hell no.

How you gonna play a ninja like that, nerds? I thought we were pals. I thought I was totally breeching your inner circle of nerdom. I was hoping expecting to be let into your Jedi rituals. I mean, you gave me the number to your secret phone line, for Yoda”s sake! Does that mean nothing to you? Nothing?! I guess all I am to you is a free pizza. I just need to know one thing: Did you... Sorry this is just really hard for me-- Did you... let someone else answer your phone? No! Don”t tell me! I”m better off not knowing.

Apparently, the nerds want Star Wars all to themselves. I phoned my so-called new “friends” to confront them on the matter:

Phone rings.

Nerd: Star Wars line.
Jessica: Hey, who”s this?
Nerd: This is Ron. Who”s this?
Jessica: Hi, Ron. This is Jessica Mae Stover.
Ron: Who?
Jessica: Are you new or something?
Ron: This is only the third time I”ve checked into the line.
Jessica: It shows. Listen, is the nerd called Elliot there?
Ron: (muffled, to other nerds) Is Elliot here? ”No, he”s not here. There”s only 16 of us here.
Jessica: Where is everyone? It was the same thing when I stopped by”
Ron: You probably stopped by when everyone was watching The Empire Strikes Back at the Egyptian.
Jessica: Everyone? Everyone?! Was I there? No, I wasn”t. So not everyone got to see it. Some people were sitting at home with a hurt rib thinking about how much they”d like to see Empire on the big screen, which is precisely why I am calling. You tell all of your fellow nerds that Jessica Stover is really”
Ron: What”s your name again?
Jessica: Jessica Stover. Don”t interrupt. You tell them that Jessica Stover is wicked pissed. They”ll know why. Oh yes. They”ll know.
Ron: Jessica”
Jessica: Stover. Jessica Stover. It”s like Stove with an r at the end. Stover.
Ron: Huh?
Jessica: Aren”t nerds supposed to be smart?
Ron: Holla!
Jessica: What. Did you just say “Holla”? Neverdothatagain.
(Ron laughs hysterically)
Jessica: Just make sure the head nerds get my message, OK?
Ron: From Jessica. OK, I”ll do that.
Jessica: Kbye.
-- Click ”
Jessica: Amateur.

I think the nerds are getting drunk up there (for the first time in their lives).

Update: "Holla!" Bonner has once again added me to blogging.la”s coverage.

But, dude, Bonner, why would I buy a Darth Vader Helmet for $29.99 to make Vader-voiced prank calls when I can use this for free? Although, anything with the word “awesome” in its official description is rather tempting”

If all else fails, I can always frighten them with my amazing Wookie impression.

Nerds, I am your father.

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