JSDC
VII. First Return< Previous Chapter | Next Chapter >

Inbox: 2 10 2 Questions 

Today seems a good day to again answer 10 questions at random from my Inbox.

Jess, I wish I lived in Hollywood. Who was the last celeb you saw and where did you see them? – Gina
Yesterday morning I saw some famous people at breakfast. Too many people already live in Hollywood. You can’t come.

What’s the genre of your script? Can you tell me more about it? -- Bobby
The script genre is Awesome.

If I were to say anything else, I’d have to Chinese water torture you until you forgot all of my story secrets.

I read your favorites list and I really liked it. We have a lot in common. – Anui Soi
No we don’t. I’m all original. I'm like The Real Slim Shady, but cooler. And you didn’t ask a question.

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck, well you know the rest. Put that on your site. Yeah. -- Phil
He’d chuck all the wood that a woodchuck could. Then he’d chuck your face. Next question!

It seems to me you get tired of people telling you you’re too young. – Sid
I get annoyed when people address me in general, much less when they tell me I'm "too" anything.

You are coming up #2 in Google now! What did you do?
Let’s just say The Gunn is crossing off the Google sites above my listing like The Bride crosses of people on her hit list. Except his sword is a computer mouse and his master is Bill Gates. And he’s never worn a wedding dress.

Hey when are you going to answer more questions from your email like from before? – Ben
Right now, idiot.

When will I get to see pictures of people looking at Jessica’s pictures? – Kara
When I get enough of them to put up a gallery. Feel free to submit.

That was less than 10 questions. – Andre
I knew you were going to point that out so I went ahead and posted it for you. Check, yo. I am always two moves ahead.

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The Grass is Always Greener in the Future 

Last night, during President Bush’s press conference, I was IMing with my pal Mish. We were talking about G.W. Bush, and the election, and what little else we actually know about politics. Check it out:

Mish: Bush sucks. Some voters need to vote him out.
Jessica: I know… But someone better needs to come along. I wish C.Sto were running for President. Then things would be better. Hey, did you know that Iraq is in the Middle East?
Mish: It is? Weird. Anyway, C.Sto should be President right now.
Jessica: Yeah, but we have to wait because there’s an age minimum. That will be sweet though. Hmm…

(Squiggly Wayne’s World Daydream Effect...)

When C.Sto becomes President:

She will marry Justin Timberlake and he will be known as “the First Lady.” He will break dance on the White House lawn everyday to raise money for homeless children. Wow, he’s really nice.

I will stay in the Lincoln bedroom whenever I want because Lincoln is my favorite President. Besides C.Sto. (She also will wear a top hat.)

The Hilton sisters will be deported to some country with weird diseases so that they can’t give the locals anything they don’t already have.

All wars will be settled via Mortal Kombat tournaments. This will make C.Sto and I Four Star Generals. In third world countries they can play RPS because they don’t have video games. I will still be a Four Star General, but C.Sto won't because she sucks at RPS.

The F* word will be used at least once per presidential speech and preferably before "Dick Cheney."

I will have secret service detail 24/7 so when I go clubbing I can dress them up like my badass posse and no one will step to me and try to serve me or anything like that. Or maybe I will hire secret service Ninjas. Anyway, later, if I get pulled over, a cop totally cannot give me a ticket. Plus, I could steal his hat and wear it and he couldn’t do anything. I could take his car, too. It’s true, totally true. The secret service outranks every cop in the galaxy.

The White House will officially be re-named Stover Mancha. A large painting of The Grizz will replace the one of George Washington.

I will use top-secret FBI equipment to read everybody’s e-mail. Then, if anyone tries to diss me, I can make fun of them for their spelling errors. BURN!

C.Sto will command Orlando Bloom to marry me. Oh wait, he’s British and that’s out of our jurisdiction... Aha! We will trade the British Prime Minister something important for Orlando Bloom. Like weapons. Or Mortal Kombat war codes.

All sequels for movies will follow the 2 Fast, 2 Furious model. This will eliminate confusion, creativity and stupid movie titles. And it will save time so that studio producers can drink more mimosas as at the Four Seasons.
Examples:
2 Harry 2 Potter
2 Legally 2 Blonde
2 Hell 2 Boy
2 Kill 2 Bill
2 Star 2 Wars
…It works for every movie. All the time. Yeah.

I will be appointed Secretary of Entertainment. Then I will ban all special edition DVDs and force studios to release BOTH editions of the movie on ONE DVD. Foolios.

Riiiiing. RIIIIIIIING.

(...Squiggly Coming-Out-of-Daydream Effect.)

Jessica: Someone is calling my cell. Which totally pisses me off because I was making a mental list of cool shit that will happen when C.Sto is elected President. Gatta go.
Mish: That will be cool. Send me that list. ttyl.

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Sicky Shower Saga 

Word. I am sick. You remember that winter cold that went around, the one that I bragged about not having caught? Yeah. Well, I caught it. Or, it caught me. Either way, the cold is Tom Hanks and I’m Leo DiCaprio. Except I never forged any checks and no one has asked me to work for the government.

Saturday marked Heather’s wedding shower at Stover Mancha. It went well, despite my poor efforts to hide my sore throat and sinus headache. Heather received many gifts for her and David’s new house. For example: knives, glasses and some weird Hawaiian towel that David scanned on their Target registry. Also on their registry was a South Park DVD, but no one got them that. During gift time I learned that there is a shower tradition which firmly states: “The amount of ribbons you break while opening your gifts corresponds directly to how many children you will have.” Furthermore, someone has to take all of said ribbons, put them on a paper plate in a bouquet fashion, and save said paper-plate ribbon bouquet for the bride to use during the wedding rehearsal. I was proud to be in charge of the paper-plate ribbon bouquet. Heather would open a gift, hand me a ribbon, and then:

Auntie Whoever: Take the bow and put it in the center.
(Heather hands me another ribbon.)
Someone’s Mom: Drape those through the center and let them hang down.
(Another bow.)
A Family Friend: (makes a weird hand motion) Jessica, you should do it like this.
(And, another bow.)
Some Lady: You should have waited until you had them all and then done it.
Internal Monologue: Why is everyone bossing me around? Do you think I am too young or stupid to put together a wedding bouquet? I have mad crafty skills, and soon you all will bask in my awesomeness! Dang, my throat hurts.

After finishing the bouquet, I set it by the cake. I later spied Bridget looking at it with disdain. I’m sure she fixed it her way once she got home.

We also played toilet-paper wedding dress. This is the only cool wedding shower game. Directions: Split up into teams in different rooms and pick a model. Each team has ten minutes to use six rolls of toilet paper to create a wedding dress on their model. C.Sto, Michelle and I immediately formed a team. (The Stover Sisters always work together, and win together. And Mish rules.) Next, we recruited Heather’s 10-year-old niece to be our mini-model. Our dress was totally toilet-paper couture and we dominated the game. The dress was halter style with a long train, detachable bustle, rose detailed veil, bouquet of roses and corset-style tied back. We won a door prize and pissed off Bridget, because she hates it when I dominate at everything. (Which is all the time.)

Heather doesn’t believe in other weddings shower games, because they all suck, so I prepared a little something else. Using my handy production/on-camera skills, I grabbed the groom and made a surprise Newlywed Game home video. Heather had to try and match David’s answers. Heather nailed everything from David’s Final Fantasy player name (Lord David) to his favorite body building pose. (The one with one hand behind your head and one outstretched. Probably called something hard-core, such as: One Hand Superman Muscle Fly Flex. Or something.) The tape was a hit. Everyone laughed and I felt good even though I felt bad. (I’m sick, remember?)

So, after the video and my toilet-paper-wedding-gown victory, I think I have proved my creative/crafty skills. No one better doubt my paper-plate ribbon bouquet making ability ever again. Dammit. I am a hella good bridesmaid.

But wait, someone does not agree...

After the games, C.Sto and I got our hands on the Bridal Shower Book, (brought by bridesmaid Bridget,) to write our “advice” in the “advice section.” Heather’s family, friends and co-workers had written marriage advice such as:

“Go on one date a month.”
“Always remember to say I love you.”
“One house, one heart, one bank account.”

That advice isn’t bad, but C.Sto and I had something more practical in mind:

C.Sto’s Advice: Name all of your kids after Disney characters.
Jessica’s Advice: Always address David as “Lord David” so that he knows you respect his Final Fantasy addiction and other nerd hobbies. Then, ask him to call you “Queen Heather,” because Queens totally outrank Lords and then you’ll be in charge.

At this point, Michelle was preparing to write her witty advice, when C.Sto leaned over and whispered:
C.Sto: Woooshiiekkjhio.
Jessica: What?
C.Sto: Uh, I forgot.
(beat)
C.Sto: OK, Bridget was just giving you a dirty look. Then she saw me telling you. I think she’s getting pissed.
(Bridget approaches, causes Michelle to hesitate)
Bridget: What did you guys write in there? Are you ruining her book?
Jessica: No. We merely wrote our advice. Our practical, wonderful wedding advice.
Bridget: Yeah right. It’s supposed to be nice.
Jessica: It is. And it’s for Heather. Something personal and wonderful just for Heather. The Bride.
(Bridget stalks off)
Michelle: I’m afraid to write anything.
Jessica: Don’t let Bridget the advice Nazi scare you. What you were going to write was good and Heather will like it.

Next, we conspired to write:
Matilda Jenkins’ Advice: Don’t forget you’re married and kiss another guy.

Later.

Family Member: (laughing) Who’s Matilda Jenkins?
Bridget: Let me see that! (grabs Bridal Shower Book) …That’s no one. This book is supposed to be nice but some people can’t take it seriously and they ruin it all!
Jessica: I didn’t meet Matilda. Is she one of Heather’s co-workers?
Bridget: Shut up. I know you wrote it.

Whatever. That is practical advice. Plus, C.Sto and I have never been married, so what would we have to say about marriage? It’s too late to write, “never get married.” And I think Heather and David should get married, and it’s too late to write that, too.

Later.

Heather picks up the book. Reads mushy sweet advice from family and friends.
Heather: Awwww… (reading… reading…cracks up) Ha-ha! C.Sto, that’s awesome. (laughs again) Wait, who’s Matilda Jenkins? Is that Michelle?
Michelle: No, I didn’t sign it because I was scared.
Heather: No wait, that’s J.Sto's writing. Hahahaha! Way to disguise your writing with fake a’s with hooks on top. You can’t fool me.
Jessica: That’s good, practical advice. Bridget got all advice Nazi with us.
Heather: Why?
C.Sto: She said we ruined your book.
A confused look from Heather.
Jessica: Exactly. (spies Bridget) And now she’s mad at us for talking smack about her. She needs to calm down. She did a good job with the shower.

Here is what I learned from the shower:
1. Older ladies freak out about planning weddings. This will always be the case. Just don’t fuck up the ribbon bouquet and you’ll be fine.

2. It is most excellent to care, work hard and plan events for someone. The key is remembering the work is for them and should be what they would want. Not what you would want if it were all for you. (I already knew that, but whatever.)

3. Scratchy throats and jet lag do not work well at wedding showers. I felt like Grumpy doing an impression of Funshine.

4. I rule at all wedding games. And advice giving.

5. Michelle is afraid to sign things.

Anyway, here is the last thing that Bridget said to me:
Bridget: Your bridesmaid privileges are hereby revoked.

I believe she is extra mad at me. Good thing my friends don't read my site.

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Inbox: April Foolio 

Man, I am 2 Tired, 2 Jet Lagged. (That's the sequel to The Tired and the Jet Lagged, which is probably my favorite Paul Walker movie.)

Jessica, You crazy girl! Do you ever play any jokes on April Fool's Day? -- Bentany

No. I like to pull out pranks when no one is expecting them. April Fool's Day is amateurs' night. I'm a pro. I don't play those baby pranks. My pranks take years to come full circle, but they are always well worth the wait. I have a primo prank in mid-cycle at this very moment. It started when I was born and is dedicated to C.Sto. I can't wait to see the look on her face. I don't want to say when it's going to go down because that will give it away... Let's just say C.Sto better watch her back while she's in her '50s.

I know you are going to ask, so here is what has happened since I have been in Virginia:

C.Sto and M.Sto have gotten into 10.2 fights. Most of these have been about really important things, such as what's for lunch or who's on the computer.

C.Sto finally got a passport. In related news, C.Sto finally filled out a form.

We watched Hellboy with The Grizz. That movie officially sucks. If they make 2 Hell, 2 Boy, I'm quitting the industry.

The Gunn came by Stover Mancha for lunch.

I got sassy with some lady at a bridal shop who tried to step to me and Tiffy about our bridesmaid's shoes. She was so not fashionable. I think she was wearing a Mumu tricked out like a dress. She sucks.

Here is the conversation which occurred at 1:00 AM the night I arrived. M.Sto and C.Sto were forced to pick me up. Because we're related. (Airport rule!)

Jessica: I don't like that new N.E.R.D. video--
C.Sto: I haven't seen it.
Jessica: The one with their heads bobbing around? It's all... red.
C.Sto: Didn't you see Pharrell, like, last week?
Jessica: Yeah. At the Four Seasons. He's not tall.
M.Sto: Who's Pharrell?
Jessica: From the Neptunes and N.E.R.D. They are producers and performers--
C.Sto: (dramatically) Have you ever heard a song on the radio?
M.Sto: Yes?
C.Sto: They made the beat.
(pause)
Jessica: Dude, C.Sto, that was so ghey.
M.Sto: Is this a turn lane?
C.Sto: No.
Jessica: No it's a straight lane. You don't need to get over.
M.Sto gets over.
C.Sto: Mom it's a straight lane.
M.Sto: No it's not.
Jessica: Yes it is. The right turn lane is the one next to it. With the
arrow.
C.Sto: Yeah Mom stop freaking out.
Jessica: Yeah you have no faith. Plus, I think you're blind. You need new glasses.
M.Sto: I do NOT need new glasses.
C.Sto: Your doctor told you yesterday that you need new glasses!
(beat)
M.Sto: Those are only for the computer.
C.Sto: Mom, seriously, pick a lane!
Jessica: Haha, Mom can't drive.
(beat)
Jessica: Turn on the radio.
C.Sto: No! She'll get distracted while she's listening to her freaky Celtic music.
M.Sto: It's NOT Celtic. (beat) It's Bolivian.
(beat)
Jessica: (to C.Sto)Why would we be listening to Mom's music?

Dear Watcher, beware! Somewhere, a lady with good computer glasses and poor driving glasses is cruising around to the sound of Bolivian-Celtic music and confusing her turn lanes. And, worst of all, she doesn't know what N.E.R.D. is. Authorities say that if you see this woman you should immediately disarm her of all Bolivian-Celtic and Shaggy CDs, then report her to the hallway monitor, stop, drop and roll, and take a bite out of crime.

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