The Quibbler |
“You know you’re coming up in Hollywood as a young actress when you get a call from a tabloid.”
What? What the—I thought it was the art, man. You know, the projects you’re working on…
I could not have been more wrong. Or so Rita Skeeter from The National Enquirer taught me yesterday when she called looking for corroboration on a "news story" about an acquaintance (who I only just met) who is (not actually) having an affair with [insert A-list star’s name here].
“Everyone is about to find out. We have a photo.”
Oh, well, um, OK. I guess that makes it OK that Rita’s breaking the “news”? She does have a (fuzzy, mislabeled, fabricated, photoshopped) photo, so it is going to come out anyway. And she did say that she hates to break up a family… OMG—Rita is some sort of journalism hero in pursuit of the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
A. Not actually the truth.
B. None of my business.
C. Crazy insane and insane crazy.
D. Something I would never comment on.
E. What the heck is she even talking about?
F. All of the above.
I’m afraid that I didn’t have anything to tell Rita Skeeter. However, since Rita so intelligently observed that I, “seem like a nice girl who is smart for my age,” she will allow me to call her anytime to give her tips. ("Especially when you're acting on set!") And, AND! She’ll pay me and plug my latest project. I would, apparently, be surprised at how many celebrities do this because:
A. They want publicity.
B. “It’s good money.”
C. They’re jackasses.
D. All of the above.
I told Rita that she and I must have different ideas of what “good money” is, and that I actually don’t think any money is “good,” for that matter. In fact, I think it’s pretty evil. That’s when she explained that I could also give her tips for revenge. You know, if I hate another celebrity…
Talk about an offer I can’t refuse! I’ll add your number to my speed dial.
I should note that Rita called Stover Mancha looking for me. This means that she called:
A. My family’s home.
B. On a Sunday.
C. On a holiday.
D. Under the guise of being a real reporter.
E. All of the above.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
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